It's Not Their Fault

I often think about the people who have molded me into the person I am today. Like most of us, I look to those people - consider what they would do - when I encounter difficult situations. When I catch myself reacting on impulse, passing judgement, or not giving a matter the time it deserves, I feel their presence - nagging at me to take a step back, to consider things through their eyes, to make them proud. I could list each of them here. I could write an entire blog about them and it still wouldn't be enough. But last night, as I sat on the sidelines coaching basketball, surrounded by people from a background that could not be more different from my own, I found myself needing to tap into the wisdom of my role models.

Our game last night was against Holly Springs, a town about 15 minutes from where I teach. Prior to the game we were warned to be alert to potential fights (between kids or parents) because Holly Springs is not only our rival, but it's also a school district that is notorious around north Mississippi. As a community it is plagued with gang activity and poverty. We teach summer school there, and often times the most insubordinate, disrespectful, and low-performing kids come from right down the street.

As I sat and observed the kids, siblings, teachers, and parents at the game last night, I caught myself passing judgement on nearly every one of them. He looks like a thug. I bet she doesn't discipline her child. He probably over-disciplines his child. Why is she wearing that outfit at a school function? These adults are terrible examples for their kids. And then the big one... THIS is why our kids don't know how to act.


I'm not going to lie and say that thoughts like these have been rare for me over the last year and a half. What I can say is that I usually try to catch myself. I try to put things in perspective. Last night I certainly realized how awful I was being, and different thoughts slowly began taking over. Stop it, Andrea. They can't help it. This all they know. Just look at this as an exercise in perspective. You can learn from this... 

We won two of the three games. The third one was one of the most exciting basketball games I've been a part of. We won by two at the buzzer and while I was caught up in the joy of the moment, I almost failed to realize that the opposing sides were chanting back and forth, screaming things that never would have been acceptable in Dublin, Ohio. People were yelling at the kids on the court, at each other, at the referees. The coaches were instructed to usher everyone out as quickly as possible in hopes of avoiding an all out brawl. We successfully got the other teams on the bus and all of the fans out the door.

As I was walking out of the gym to leave for the night, shaking my head at the craziness, I happened to glance down the dark main hallway. There was just a sliver of light leaking through the office door, so I almost didn't notice one of my players standing there. She had her face in her hands and had clearly been crying. After some prodding, she managed to tell me that she had no ride home. She was clearly embarrassed. Again, angry thoughts filled my head. What is wrong with these PARENTS? 

"Do you know anyone else's phone number?" I asked.

"No ma'am. My brother is the only other one but he doesn't have a phone."

"How far away do you live?"

"It's about 30 minutes."

"Ok let's go. You're alright." I said it with the calmest tone I could muster. The situation wasn't her fault. It also wasn't her fault that I wouldn't get home until 10, and it definitely wasn't her fault that her mom forgot to come to the game. As we walked out to my car she wouldn't stop apologizing. I put my arm around her and firmly told her to stop. I told her this was my job. I told her she played well and that we should talk about that instead.

I'll save you my rant on generational poverty and it's effects on education/the lives of my students. It's something I've thought a lot about and if I allow myself too much time I get overwhelmed. It's just such a huge obstacle. I see it every day in the attitudes of my students and their parents. In poverty stricken communities, there seem to be no role models - and I'm certainly not crazy enough to think that driving a girl home makes me one. What I can hope is that she remembers nights like this when she raises her own children... and maybe if there are enough nights like last night, some of my kids can break the cycle for themselves.

What I really pulled away from the evening was this: my judgements won't do a thing to help myself or my students. I am lucky enough to have had role models who taught me better. I am lucky enough to have grown up in a fantastic school district with some of this country's best teachers. My parents, family, friends, and coaches instilled in me certain values that most of the people last night have not even been exposed to - and it's not their fault.