I'm aware that this topic is unoriginal and overdone. I'm also aware that, as a requirement of Teacher Corps, this is supposed to be a blog about my life as a teacher. But this year I have a lot to be thankful for personally, so I'm going to write about it... and I promise I'll connect it to my job.
I've spent approximately fifteen Thanksgivings with my dad's side of the family. If you're doing the math, that is slightly fewer than the twenty three for which I've been alive. Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving I've spent with them in five years, the last one being my freshman year of college. At the time, that one was my first in a couple years, and it didn't end well - hence the five year hiatus.
All the history aside, this year I was more excited than nervous to see my family. I knew it would be a familiar scene - one I've missed dearly. We all stood around the kitchen holding hands as my dad said a prayer. He got choked up at the part where he thanked God that I was there. My aunt jumped to his rescue, but it felt more like mine. She gracefully ended the prayer and saved us all from an awkward moment. She winked at me, signaling that I could relax. Nothing bad was going to happen. We sat down across three tables and ate our dinner over laughs and old family stories. We played cards and games and sports and we ended the night with charades. We laughed at each other. We made fun of each other. We argued with and stuck up for each other. I beamed at how well I fit in... I had forgotten.
I spent most of yesterday observing, pondering how my family has affected me... but I've thought plenty about that in the past. What I thought mostly about was what effect I have or haven't had on them. The more I learned about my cousins' lives, the more my stomach knotted in guilt. My oldest cousin just finished her first semester as a college athlete. She talked about how it wasn't what she thought it would be - I should have been there to guide her through that. Her middle sister is a sophomore in high school now. She talked about breaking up with her boyfriend and getting a part time job - I should have been there to tell her it'll be another ten years before those high school boys are as mature as she is... and it's probably a bad idea to get a job at a clothing store. Their youngest sister is in sixth grade now. She's almost as old as my students... it's sad that I know my students better than my cousin. I am so proud of all three of them. They are so smart, so beautiful, so level-headed, so well-adjusted. And I've had nothing to do with it.
I worry every day about being a good role model for my students - one hundred and thirty kids who I've only known since August. But until yesterday, I had scarcely thought about what kind of example I was for my cousins - my own blood. I mostly tried to block out the fact that I was missing holidays and milestones. I was selfish. I was worried more about protecting myself than showing them what it meant to be a strong young woman. Every day I see kids who don't have enough good role models. I've gotten downright angry about the apathy that runs rampant in that community. If only they had adults who set good examples. I've said it so many times. And it has been pure hypocrisy.
I've written before about how I've changed over this last year and a half. Yesterday was another defining moment. I see how important family is to my students, how important it is in a community where they have little else to value. I also see the effects family has had on them - good and bad - and regardless of what those effects have been, their loyalty remains fierce. This is something they have over me. It's something I need to work on. What I can say is that I'm thankful for this realization. I'm thankful that it came yesterday instead of in five more years. I can pray that it's not too late to influence my cousins or to repair the damage. And I can be thankful for the opportunity to do both.
I've spent approximately fifteen Thanksgivings with my dad's side of the family. If you're doing the math, that is slightly fewer than the twenty three for which I've been alive. Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving I've spent with them in five years, the last one being my freshman year of college. At the time, that one was my first in a couple years, and it didn't end well - hence the five year hiatus.
All the history aside, this year I was more excited than nervous to see my family. I knew it would be a familiar scene - one I've missed dearly. We all stood around the kitchen holding hands as my dad said a prayer. He got choked up at the part where he thanked God that I was there. My aunt jumped to his rescue, but it felt more like mine. She gracefully ended the prayer and saved us all from an awkward moment. She winked at me, signaling that I could relax. Nothing bad was going to happen. We sat down across three tables and ate our dinner over laughs and old family stories. We played cards and games and sports and we ended the night with charades. We laughed at each other. We made fun of each other. We argued with and stuck up for each other. I beamed at how well I fit in... I had forgotten.
I spent most of yesterday observing, pondering how my family has affected me... but I've thought plenty about that in the past. What I thought mostly about was what effect I have or haven't had on them. The more I learned about my cousins' lives, the more my stomach knotted in guilt. My oldest cousin just finished her first semester as a college athlete. She talked about how it wasn't what she thought it would be - I should have been there to guide her through that. Her middle sister is a sophomore in high school now. She talked about breaking up with her boyfriend and getting a part time job - I should have been there to tell her it'll be another ten years before those high school boys are as mature as she is... and it's probably a bad idea to get a job at a clothing store. Their youngest sister is in sixth grade now. She's almost as old as my students... it's sad that I know my students better than my cousin. I am so proud of all three of them. They are so smart, so beautiful, so level-headed, so well-adjusted. And I've had nothing to do with it.
I worry every day about being a good role model for my students - one hundred and thirty kids who I've only known since August. But until yesterday, I had scarcely thought about what kind of example I was for my cousins - my own blood. I mostly tried to block out the fact that I was missing holidays and milestones. I was selfish. I was worried more about protecting myself than showing them what it meant to be a strong young woman. Every day I see kids who don't have enough good role models. I've gotten downright angry about the apathy that runs rampant in that community. If only they had adults who set good examples. I've said it so many times. And it has been pure hypocrisy.
I've written before about how I've changed over this last year and a half. Yesterday was another defining moment. I see how important family is to my students, how important it is in a community where they have little else to value. I also see the effects family has had on them - good and bad - and regardless of what those effects have been, their loyalty remains fierce. This is something they have over me. It's something I need to work on. What I can say is that I'm thankful for this realization. I'm thankful that it came yesterday instead of in five more years. I can pray that it's not too late to influence my cousins or to repair the damage. And I can be thankful for the opportunity to do both.
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